FF: Is Our Parenting Preparing Our Children For Real Life?

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Happy Friday, friends!

This morning, among other things, I'm thinking about this post I read over at Today's Mama.
It talks about how our (parents') obsession with our kids’ happiness may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods. The article gave several examples of ways that parents shield their children from the unpleasant realities of life (everybody wins sports leagues, intervening when a child doesn't receive a birthday invitation, shielding them from consequences and real-life responsibility, etc.) Even though we think we're being loving and attentive parents in those instances, in actual fact, that kind of sheltering yields unprepared, maladjusted adults.

What do you think about this?
Do you do too much?
How do you expose your children to a sense of reality
while still allowing childhood to be playful and fun?
Is your parenting preparing your children to deal with real life?
(It's hard to parent with the end in mind, isn't it?!)

Friday Forum: Kids and Money

A gamut of important questions for you today...

How do you teach your children about money?

Allowance?

Jobs?

What about teenagers?

Who buys the clothes/movie outings/car/gas/etc?

College?

What are your philosophies on this? How was it done in your family growing up? How are you doing it? How early do you start?

Friday Forum: Earth Day Resolutions

(Dr. Seuss's Lorax speaks the truth...)

Good morning. Happy Friday! Happy Earth Day!

Last year on Earth Day my s-i-l, Rebecca, made a resolution. No more plastic shopping bags. Now she brings her own bags to the grocery store, and hands the bag back to the cashier when she buys something new at the mall. One simple thing, just a new habit really. But it shows her dedication to being a better steward of the earth.

We love that.

And it got us thinking. What's one thing we could do better as stewards of the earth?

Give up plastic water bottles? Switch out all of our light bulbs for more efficient ones? Drive less?

We're still deciding...

What about you? Do you have an Earth Day resolution?

***Looking for some Earth Day activities? Check out our post from one year ago...

***We're still collecting essays, recipes, tutorials, etc. for Mothers' Day 2011. Email us at aplacetobloomATgmailDOTcom

FF: A Style of Their Own

My son has a predilection for ugly shoes. He likes lights, super hero motifs and velcro. Recently, he needed new sneakers and the ones he was really pushing for had teeth. A whole row of crocodile teeth lining the sole of the shoe. I'm all for autonomy and independent children; I let him pick out his last two pairs of sneakers, (both ugly, incidentally,) but I draw the line at shoes with molars. "No characters, no lights and no teeth." Those were the parameters. He chose a respectable pair of grey and orange sneakers. He likes them. I like them. Win/win.

But compromise can be hard to come to.

My sister wore the same outfit to preschool almost every day for an entire year. I don't remember it exactly, but I think it involved blue spandex shorts with sunflowers on them. And a puff-painted shirt? One thing I love about my mom is that she wanted happy kids more than she wanted perfectly groomed, color coordinated Mini Boden models. It was rarely worth a confrontation to get us to dress a certain way, so she let us dress ourselves and do our own hair from a fairly young age. We look like urchins in a lot of our childhood pictures. Happy urchins, though :)

Sometimes children really get their hearts set on ugly things. Or cute things in horrible combinations. They want to wear the same thing over and over. And over!

What's your approach to all this as a parent? Is it worth a battle to get them to dress and groom the way you'd like them to? Do your kids choose their own outfits? Do you edit their choices to make sure they match? Do you allow them to pick their own clothes/shoes for purchase?

April the First...

Happy April Fool's Day! Do you have some sneaky pranks lined up? Or are you not much of a prankster? Maybe you just need a little nudge...

We've gathered a few ideas to poke your inner thirteen year old and get you scheming to fool your friends and family.

* Rubberband the dish sprayer so the next person to turn the faucet on will get an unexpected shower. Such a fun one to spectate!

* Sneak into the bathroom while your lovie is showering and dump a big cup of ice cold water on them.

* Replace the shampoo with maple syrup or honey. We had a friend who did this to his dad a few years ago and his wife kept sniffing around, insisting that she smelled pancakes...funny!

* Put a fake bug in someone's slipper.

* Push a raisin down into the toothpaste tube...the next person to squeeze some paste onto his brush will get a mysterious surprise. (I totally want to do this to Nate).

* Make whoopie pies or cupcakes and frost them with white toothpaste or shaving cream.


Would you believe that the best prankster I know is my dear, darling grandmother? It's true! One year during college some girlfriends and I went up to her house for a weekend get-away that happened to coincide with April Fool's. My grandma, awake long before any of us sleepy co-eds, spread some Icy Hot/Mentholatum-ish ointment all over the toilet seat. None of us remembered that it was April first and we were all a little sheepish to admit that we had tingly bums. My friends were all wondering if maybe my grandparents had chapped behinds and lubed up the commode as some sort of remedy, but nobody dared bring it up. Finally, at breakfast my grandma said, "well, nobody's said anything about my little April Fool's prank...haven't any of you used the bathroom yet?!"

Oh my, did we laugh! My girlfriends were all shocked that my sweet little grandma had it in her to be such a prankster...if they only knew! She'd been making fools of her loved ones on April 1 for years - sewing the fly on my grandpa's underwear closed, frosting cakes with shaving cream, saran wrapping the toilet for an unexpected splash-back; she loved a practical joke.

What about you? What's the best joke you've ever played? What's the best prank someone else has pulled on you?

Friday Forum: Where in the World?

Hi all, it's Liz again. (That's me with my husband Matt in Patagonia, near the Strait of Magellan. You should put it on your bucket list, if you have one.) Thanks to all of you who have tuned in as I've blathered on about my life in Chile. This is my fifth of five guest posts, but I'm sure it felt like more for some of you!

When my family had the chance to move abroad, we studied it out, we talked to people, and we fasted and prayed, but I knew from the start we would do it. We had always talked about living outside the US but never dreamed we'd have a chance, and here it was.

I loved hearing others' reactions to our impending move -- they varied from excitement (even jealousy!) to total shock. A couple of people were so surprised we would move our family so far from home, their reactions bordered on rudeness.

I want to mention that our move abroad was pretty low-risk. We're here working for a big international company, which took care of many of the legal and logistical (and cost) details. I doubt my husband and I would have taken a leap and moved abroad on our own -- we're pretty cautious people -- but we know several families who have, with varying results. If you are considering actually doing this, whether on your own or with a company, please do plenty of research (that sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised what people do). It is more expensive than you might expect, and depending on where you go, getting the appropriate legal status can be difficult.

But if you could throw caution to the wind and go anywhere, just for fun, tell us, would you move abroad? And what would be your dream locale? (Only please don't say Paris. We all want to go to Paris. Let's just assume that's on your list, and come up with a more creative answer.)

As for me, I would be willing to go literally anywhere there was a good job, and we could ensure a reasonable level of safety. We have friends who have lived on nearly every continent -- imagine the possibilities!

FF: Encouraging Independent Play For Young Children

We have received a few e.mails asking us to host a discussion about how to encourage independent play for young children. To this we say, of course! Sometimes just a few minutes to spruce up your hair or make an important phone call can be sanity-preserving and cheer-restoring!

For starters, let me say that I used to worry that my first child didn't have an imagination because at two, he was nearly incapable of playing by himself. Now I know that he was just young and depended on me for most of his stimulation and entertainment. At five, he has a very colorful, active, fantastic imagination.

It has also been my observation that less media=more imagination.

I'll share a few suggestions of my own and then we'll open it up so y'all can share your ideas and observations on this topic.

* Let your children have lots of different tactile experiences.Lily (2.5 years old) will play in the sink for twenty minutes with a few little cups or water bottles or even a toothbrush. I fill one side of the kitchen sink 1/4 - 1/2 way full and then turn the faucet to a tiny trickle. Sometimes we add dish soap to make bubbles! A waterproof apron will save you from having to change a soggy outfit when the fun's over. Let them play with water, sand, dry beans, play doh, rice, and some measuring cups, spoons, funnels. This might take careful supervision initially to help them understand boundaries and rules (ie "these beans need to stay on the table; don't throw them on the floor.") But soon enough they'll be able to busy themselves without too much damage :)

* Marta recently wrote a great post about simple toddler activities. One thing I'd never seen before was a WaterWow Paint Set - a paint with water concept. Coolest part? When they dry, they go back to black and white and can be reused! Brilliant.

* My mom has a plastic 1-gallon ice cream bucket that she turned into a great little toy for the one to two year old set. She cut a small square hole (1/2" x 1/2") out of the lid. Then she bought a set of clothes pins that fit nicely through the hole. You wouldn't believe how many times my daughter would drop those clothes pins in, one by one. Then dump them all out and start again. Sometimes the simplest toys hold the greatest appeal. Also - balloons. Blow up a couple of balloons (not very full so there's less risk of them popping) and let your kids bonk them around.


* You might also try keeping a special reserve of toys that you pull out only in moments where you really need your children to be entertained. They'll be more interested in things they don't see everyday.

* Also, children love things that look/feel/sound real. See if you can get an old computer keyboard from an electronics store. Hand down your old cell phone. Make a ring of old keys that they can play with. Designate a kids' flashlight - my kids love flashlights. Buy a wallet or purse from goodwill and fill it with obsolete cards or expired gift cards, a compact with a mirror, a tube of chapstick, a hair comb, etc.

Maybe I'll pop in on the comment thread with a few more ideas. True confession: I have, on more than one occasion, used the "if you know what's good for you, you'll go to the playroom and stay there a while! Mom needs a few minutes to get happy again" line. They most often disappear for a while. Also, if I ask them to clean the playroom -- they'll usually putter away a half hour or so, not cleaning :)

What about you? How do you encourage independent play for your young children, especially the 1-3 age group? What holds their attention for more than thirty seconds? What things have you found that you can do as a parent to encourage independent or imaginary play in children of all ages?

Can't wait to hear your suggestions!

Friday Forum: How to Raise Boys Who Read

Good morning/afternoon, friends! Sorry for the delay in posting today's Friday Forum - we had a little confusion amongst the Bloom Staff this morning :) But we're really interested in today's topic and hope you'll weigh in.

A few months ago we came across this article about boys and literature. It got our wheels turning and we really want to talk about it.

Here are a few excerpts to help you understand the premise:

Author Thomas Spence points out that boys are increasingly more unfit for the classroom - especially when it comes to reading. Boys consistently score lower than their female counterparts on reading proficiency assessments - and the discrepancy is found in every socio-economic and ethnic segment of the population.

In order to get boys to read, publishing houses have started to "meet the boys where they are" catering to their fascinations with bodily humor offering titles like Captain Underpants and Sir Fartsalot Hunts The Booger.

Some say that at least this kind of literature "gets the kids reading." But I love what the author points out:

One obvious problem with the "SweetFarts" philosophy of education is that it is more suited to producing a generation of barbarians and morons than to raising the sort of men who make good husbands, fathers and professionals. If you keep meeting a boy where he is, he doesn't go very far.

He continues with the observation that the appearance of the boy/girl literacy gap happened to coincide with the surge of video games and recreational internet, noting that boys spend more time "plugged in" than girls do and suggesting that this increased screen time causes their academics to suffer.

He ends with this fascinating conclusion:

I offer a final piece of evidence that is perhaps unanswerable: There is no literacy gap between home-schooled boys and girls. How many of these families, do you suppose, have thrown grossology parties?

What do you think about all this? Grossology as a literature genre? Screen time interfering with academics? (How could it not?? Kids get used to hyper-sensation, technicolor graphics and psychedelic sound effects; even the most gripping of chapter books would pale in comparison to that level of stimulation.) How have you been successful in encouraging your sons to read?

You really should take a minute to read the whole article - it's excellent.

xo,

em and anne

Friday Forum: Co-sleeping and Sleep training

Here's a controversial one. Let me tell you what we've done in the past and then open it up to all of you.

With Blaine: I 'sleep-trained' my firstborn (a la Dr. Ferber) when he was about 5 months old. He only cried a bit (maybe 30 minutes?) for 2 nights and that was it. He became an amazing sleeper. We just put him in bed and he went to sleep by himself and he almost never woke up in the night. Taylor and I figured the Ferber method was the bee's knees, gave ourselves a pat on the back, and wondered why more people didn't use that method. Now, at 4 1/2, he still goes to bed easily, and will lay there awake (sometimes for over an hour!) until he falls asleep without making a peep. He sleeps soundly through the night and often sleeps in.

With Roger: With number two it was different from the start. We tried the Ferber method--tried to let him 'cry it out.' If we'd have let him, he would have screamed all night, every night. Not cried. Not whimpered. Screamed. Like someone was in his crib trying to bite his toes off. We gave up on that method. I've spent a lot of hours lying down next to him, sitting in the threshold of his room, and singing songs in the next room until he was calm. He's gotten better with age. Sharing a room with his big brother helps. He usually goes to bed now without a fuss, but is often up at night, usually with a night terror of sorts. He screams bloody murder and runs around the house, often bolting for the front door, utters nonsensical stuff about the scary cats in his dreams, and refuses to be comforted by anyone but me. It's awesome. And though it appears he is awake during these outbursts, he is very much asleep. Sometimes we have to splash a little water in his face or pat his cheeks hard to wake him up so the nightmare can end. Many nights he ends up in our bed, which I can sometimes sleep through, but most of the time it drives me nuts. I have no problem with co-sleeping philosophically, I just can't do it. I can't sleep.

With number three on the way, I feel totally open minded. I genuinely don't believe anymore that there is a right or wrong way to go about this and am curious about your experiences. This can be a hot topic, so please--feel free to disagree and debate, but be courteous and respectful. We sincerely want these forums to be a chance to glean from each other's experiences.

So, lay it on me. How should I teach this new babe to sleep?

xo,
anne

Kids & Music

A few weeks ago, I was happy to discover a podcast featuring an interview with a woman I greatly admire and her two daughters. She shared insights from her childhood, and from her life as a wife and a mother. Her daughters also shared insights about what it was like growing up in their home. In the interview, she mentioned growing up on a farm with an abundance of chores to do, and learning the value of hard work. When she began having children of her own, she felt strongly that her children needed to learn to work, but raising them in a small home in the suburbs, she couldn't find as many chances to help them work as she'd had on the farm. So she decided that her children would learn to work through music, piano lessons specifically. And they each took lessons. And the expectation in their home was that they would practice 3 hours a day (!) As you might imagine, they all became accomplished pianists - each teaching lessons by the time they were fourteen.

I've been thinking about kids and music a lot since listening to that interview. Music is something I really value, something I want my children to be familiar with, and hopefully love. I want this for several reasons - not the least of which is that I fantasize about family hootenannies on the front porch on Summer evenings - and we need to raise up some pickers and strummers to make my dream a reality :) Really though, I think it breeds discipline, creativity and satisfaction, and allows children a wholesome way to express themselves. I realize that their success with music will probably be directly related to my diligence in helping them practice, and setting an expectation of effort and dedication. I've been thinking about all the complexities of how to do this...

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the following:

* Were you raised in a musical home? Did you take lessons? What kind? What age did you start? Was there a culture of expectation in your home about music?
* Was there a daily battle between you and your parents (your mother) over practicing? How were you incentivized to practice?
* How do you wish your parents would have handled music lessons when you were younger?
* Do you/will you make your children take some kind of music lesson? Will you let them choose the instrument or insist that they start on the piano?
* At what age do you think children are ready for music lessons?
* Is it worth the strain on the relationship and the daily battle to help your children become excellent (or at least proficient) at a musical instrument?

That's a hefty list of questions! Weigh in on anything that strikes your fancy...

Friday Forum: Happy Siblings When a Baby is Born

(soon to be joined by amigo numero tres)

Friends,

This baby of mine is coming soon. I thought I'd pose one of my latest concerns as a question to all of you:

What are some ways to help older siblings feel special when a baby is born?

There is so much change that comes to a family with the arrival of a new baby. Change in routine, change in sibling dynamics, change in the overall definition of the family. With the impending arrival of number three I worry about Blaine (my oldest) acting out to gain attention and my little one (Roger) feeling displaced as the baby (ooohhhh how he loves being the baby!).

One thing I did when Roger was born was buy Blaine a present that was 'from Roger.' It was the first little wooden train track in the family and was the hit of the century! This helped in two ways. First, it entertained Blaine for hours on end while I was nursing and recovering. Second, because it was 'from Roger,' it immediately helped endear Blaine to his new brother.

I plan on doing something similar this time, but I feel like I need to do more to ensure a smooth and happy transition.

What do you think, dear friends? Any ideas to share?

xo,

anne

Friday Forum: Working Moms

(Ha Ha...who remembers the 1987 classic movie Baby Boom with Diane Keaton?)

Today's forum is all about the working mom. (Of course all moms are working moms, but we're talking about those who get paid for doing something other than mothering.) We're curious...

Working moms...

How much do you work?
Do you work from home or outside the home?
How do you balance between work and motherhood?
What do you love about being a working mom?
What is hard about it?

If you don't work (aside from full-time motherhood!!)...

Do you wish you did?
Is there fulfillment from working outside the home that you feel you're lacking by staying home with your children?

Friday Forum: What do you wish you'd known...

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Today we're asking:

What do you wish you'd known on your wedding day?

Anne says:

I wish I knew then what I know now about proper communication. There were several times in the beginning of our marriage when I'd give my husband the silent treatment all day because something he said or did offended me and I thought he should just know why I was upset. He helped me understand how futile that was and just to be totally up front about feelings. Now I say things like "I'm sad because..." or "I know you think you're right and I'm wrong but really all I want to hear is that you're sorry you hurt my feelings." And then he says "I'm sorry" and I get over it. It's the greatest thing ever.

Emily says:

Funny. One of the things I wish I'd known is exactly what Anne said above. I gave a mean silent treatment until I realized how utterly ineffective it is. I wish we'd been a little more present in that time when it was just us - I wish we'd really savored it more. But how can you know to do that when you don't know how drastically life will change?

What do you say?

FF: Chasing Beauty; How Far is Too Far?

We love Friday Forums. Anne and I both feel like we've come away from past discussions with significantly enlightened perspectives and, in some cases, changed minds. Today we want to hear your thoughts about the desires we as women have for physical beauty, to what lengths we feel it's okay to go in pursuit of it, and at what point we cross over into the precarious territory of vanity.

We all want to feel good about ourselves, and confidence in our appearance trickles down into many aspects of our lives - but what does that confidence require? An exquisite wardrobe? A lot of make up and hair product? Plastic surgery?

By going to great lengths to alter our physical appearance, are we buying into a cultural trend that has hyper-sexualized women and placed extreme value on physical allure?

For those of us with children, daughters especially, how can we expect our daughters to be able to love and accept themselves for who/how they are if we can't do the same?

We really want to hear your honest opinions and feelings and any personal experience you'd like to share. We know the answers to these questions will vary from person to person; we hope you feel comfortable to add your opinion, whatever it may be. What we really hope these discussions will yield is greater insight and understanding. We will hop in on the comment thread to add more of our thoughts and opinions.

Thanks for being here.
Hope you have a fantastic weekend!

FF: Sleepovers

Happy Friday!

We're opening up the Friday Forum to discuss sleepovers. It seems like sleepovers can be a bit of a polarizing issue in parenthood - some parents don't see the harm in allowing them, others feel pretty strongly that they're not a good idea. We (Em & co.) happen to fall more toward the "not such a good idea" end of the spectrum, (we're aware that this will be hugely unpopular with the 11-14 year old crowd.) We've already been confronted with some of the delicacies of the issue and our oldest just started kinder.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this...

Will you/do you allow sleepovers? Why/why not?

Please share any experience you've had surrounding this issue - from your own life, as a parent who is currently dealing with it, or looking back at this aspect of parenthood in retrospect.

I'll probably pop in on the comment thread to give more of my reasoning behind our No Sleepover stance :)

FF: For Keeps

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I'm fascinated by the little details of peoples' lives - bedtime routine, breakfast preferences, pet peeves, daily rituals...it's all quite indicative and fascinating to me.

I am also intrigued by the things people hang on to, the way seemingly insignificant things take on great meaning.

In my purse I have a small, folded piece of paper from Plano Florist. I've been carrying it for two years now. It was delivered to my door in a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers just after I gave birth to Lily. It says:

I'm confident our first granddaughter will bring us as much joy as her mother. I'm proud of you. Love, Dad

My dad's not an overly-demonstrative fellow; I like carrying a little reminder of his affection with me. In all my purse purging, I've never been able to part with it. I can't imagine I ever will (on purpose, anyway).

Other things I can't get rid of:
the blankie I slept with for the first 20 years of my life
the anthologies from my college lit courses, the papers I wrote in my freshman writing class and all the notes I took in my church history class
the license plates from my first car
2 photos that would have gone out with the wedding announcements had I not called off my first engagement

What are you holding on to?
Are there things you wish you would have saved but didn't?

Friday Forum: Teaching Gratitude

Following Blaine's birthday party this spring, we decided to use Sarah's darling idea of turning a photo into a postcard to make thank-you notes. We printed a bunch of copies of this darling picture from the party on our home printer and Blaine and I are now working on the messages.

It got me to thinking. And it got me and Em to talking. A lot. About gratitude.

How do we teach our children to be genuinely grateful?

Certainly reminding our children to say their 'thank you for dinner, Mom' is important. And teaching them to send thank you notes. And never letting them leave Grandma's without a hug and a kiss and a 'thanks for the fruit snacks and the fun!' But will doing those things help them develop true gratitude?

We live in a time in which children are surrounded by an abundance of toys, treats, and media teaching them to want more. How can we discourage entitlement and encourage them to feel gratitude for what they have?

So, to be clear, the forum today is not: "How do we help our children remember to say please and thank you?"

It is: "How do we teach our children to feel genuine gratitude? Not just to say it but to feel it?

Thanks for your input and happy weekend!
loves,
anne & em

FF: Family Movie Night

One of the greatest things about Summer is three months of no-school nights! Hooray! We're sure you're filling some of those carefree nights with movie parties; we want to know:

What are you watching?

I remember watching Swiss Family Robinson with my whole family as a little girl and I thought it was so magical!

What should be on our "must see" list for family movie nights?

FF: Kids & TV

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So...kids & TV.
Pot = stirred, no?

We know there are some strong feelings about this out there; we'd like to hear them. Here are some questions to get things started:

* How do you regulate TV at your house? A time allowance? Content? Certain channels?

* Sometimes I like to have my kids earn TV as a priviledge ("If you get all your jobs done this room cleaned you can watch a show...") Does anyone else out there take this approach?

* I know some of you don't let your children watch any TV at all (some of you don't even have a TV in your home); tell us about this choice. And how/when do you take a shower? :)

* Do you think your child's media intake effects his/her creative play? In what ways?

Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts! Happy Weekend!

Friday Forum: Dream House Edition

Do you ever daydream about your dream house? Perhaps you've taken it to the next level of keeping an actual file of "someday ideas?" After living in several dwellings (apartments, homes, basements) I'm accumulating a running list of features that I would feel very strongly about in our next home.

A few of them are:

A completely seamless kitchen sink - what do they call that? Undermounted? (No grout!)

A super-awesome laundry room

A big yard - mostly flat, lots of grass

And an eating area that's not carpeted

I could go on for days about preferences, but I'll stop. Because now I reeaaalllyy want to hear your thoughts on this matter (both your practical ones and your wildest dream ones). What are you insisting on in your next dwelling? What are you hoping for in your "someday house?"