el matrimonio

I used to dream about marrying a boy who could pick&sing...

There are a few things I wish we talked more about at Bloom - one of them is marriage. We devote a lot of time to motherhood, but most of us also exist in this extremely important other dimension of wife-hood, and we hardly talk about it. Today I'd like to talk about it.

Nate and I had a huge pow wow this weekend about our marriage. It was eye opening and a little bit painful if I can be totally honest. I need to be less selfish. And I need to be more warm in our day to day interactions. I want to work on both of those things. I want to be a cheerful, kind, supportive, sexy wife because I think my husband is about as fine a human being as there is and he deserves that kind of wife. He has things to work on, too. We reminded each other that we don't want to be enduring marriage because we have promises to keep -- we want to be enjoying it. And even for two people who are very compatible and very attracted to each other, that takes a monumental effort.

I want to open this up to a forum, but I realize that the questions I want to ask are kind of personal, so if you feel more comfortable answering anonymously, please do.

* What do you quarrel most over in your marriage? Or what do you feel is keeping you from being happier in your marriage?

*What do you think you could change about yourself or your circumstance to improve your marriage?

* What have you learned that has helped you be a better wife/have a happier marriage?

* What would you like to ask others about marriage?

As I type this, it is ridiculously late.
I will hop on the comment thread tomorrow
and answer these questions about my own marriage....

Promise.

A Many Splendored Thing

There's a little boy in my son's kindergarten class who has a hard time being nice. Henry comes home with accounts like the following: "Today in line, Fred* said, dude! if you cut, i'm gonna have to punch you." (Incidentally, Fred says Dude! a lot, which Henry is catching on to. Drives me nuts!) Not surprisingly, he's earning a reputation as 'the mean kid.'

In spite of the prickly threats, I have a soft spot for Fred. Really soft. I suspect his bullying stems from pain and lack somewhere deep. So when I help in Henry's class, I make a special effort to be kind to him. I pat his back and compliment him on his work. I give him a little wink when I notice he's using nice manners. I tell him what a good guy he is, how smart and great and capable he is. And he just blooms under the warmth and praise.

Sometimes I catch him looking at me during work time. He stretches and strains to make sure we make eye contact before I leave and he always sends me off with a hearty goodbye. He rides Henry's bus, too. And every morning when I put Henry on the bus, Fred shimmies up onto his knees and looks out the window so we can wave to each other. Every single time.

I love him. And he can tell. That's why he likes me. That's why he sneaks those little looks. That's why he waves to me. That's why I'm his favorite parent helper (he told me :) I don't share any of this in a spirit of self-aggrandizement, any number of you would do just the same for Fred, more and better probably. I share it to make a more universal point about, believe it or not, marriage.

And that point is this: Husbands are pretty much just like Fred (hopefully without the excessive Dude! usage and predilection for threats). They just want to be noticed and loved. And accepted. And told they're good and smart and capable (and not in a patronizing way, but in a deep, meaningful, sincere way.) They want to be touched, and winked at, and reassured. Husbands and Freds and everybody else the whole world over.

So, on that note, and because I'm all about getting personal...

Nate, if you're reading this (I know you're not, but I'm going to make you log onto Bloom today 'cause there'll be a li'l something waiting for you...)

I notice you. I appreciate you. I think you're good...really good. And smart (I mean that) and capable (like Super Man). Thanks for working so hard for our family - I know we are reasons one through four on your list of reasons to work hard. Thanks for being steady and kind. Thanks for telling me I'm pretty. Thanks for hanging things that require the use of a drill. Thanks for killing the spiders and ironing your own shirts. Thanks for inspiring me to reach after a better version of myself, again and again. Thanks for telling me my bread is the best in the world and saying the curry we had for dinner tonight was the most delicious you've ever had. (I know you're prone to excessive superlative use, but I still fancy the compliments.) Thanks for counting in Spanish while you brush the kids' teeth (they love that). Thanks for showing Henry a sterling example of manhood and giving Lily a standard to measure her Prince Charming against. Thanks for making me want to be where you are.

Thanks for holding my heart; every bit of it is yours.

And now I'm going to sign off this silly computer so I can come kiss you. (wink! wink!)

Love wins,
Em

*name changed to protect the accused :)

Friday Forum: What do you wish you'd known...

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Today we're asking:

What do you wish you'd known on your wedding day?

Anne says:

I wish I knew then what I know now about proper communication. There were several times in the beginning of our marriage when I'd give my husband the silent treatment all day because something he said or did offended me and I thought he should just know why I was upset. He helped me understand how futile that was and just to be totally up front about feelings. Now I say things like "I'm sad because..." or "I know you think you're right and I'm wrong but really all I want to hear is that you're sorry you hurt my feelings." And then he says "I'm sorry" and I get over it. It's the greatest thing ever.

Emily says:

Funny. One of the things I wish I'd known is exactly what Anne said above. I gave a mean silent treatment until I realized how utterly ineffective it is. I wish we'd been a little more present in that time when it was just us - I wish we'd really savored it more. But how can you know to do that when you don't know how drastically life will change?

What do you say?

Office Face Lift {with love}

Necessary Background: My husband works from home, building a comprehensive tax & financial planning business for small business owners. We moved to Oregon (and made the transition to self-employment) in the middle of tax season (ie the busiest time of year for his kind). He set up a desk, hooked up his computer and canon-balled into his work. The office sort of became the place to put all the things we didn't have a place for. The door was always shut. Out of sight out of mind. Which was mostly fine. Except that poor Nate was in there. All day. Every day. He recently took an eight day business trip. And I saw a golden window of opportunity. When he left, the office looked like this:

(*shudder*) Chilling, isn't it? Boxes everywhere. Trash in the corners (too busy to run it out to the garage??) Sticky notes aplenty on the walls. Chaos and disorder at every turn. While he was gone I went to work sorting, organizing, recycling and rearranging.

Here's what he came home to:

I share this with some reservation; it isn't the cutest or most jaw-dropping transformation you'll ever see (not even close), but it does make a case for organization and de-cluttering. And, quite frankly, it was more about the gesture than the room.

Please keep in mind that this is a man's space -- frilly trinkets and thrifted treasures (much as we love them) just weren't in order. We bought everything we needed for this project at Target. For the storage baskets, the bulletin boards and the lamp, I think we spent about $175. Not exactly a shoe-string, but not a bank-buster either. Please also keep in mind that we are renting this home. I think sometimes we let temporary-ness keep us from really settling in and making home. We shouldn't. I like to blame the still-white walls on our renter status (when in reality it was just my own laziness that kept those walls white!)

The details:

A stack of Nat Geo's I snagged from a "free to the public" cart at our local library in Texas. (Note the dates - 1960's & 70's mostly, fun bit of history, I say.) Love the punch of yellow on the bookshelf. And the cover photographs are so fabulous. I hope to frame and hang them someday. You know, when I have a map room off the library (wink!)

A clean desk (with some flowers I cut from the bed under the office window - how's that for charming? :), family photos to inspire him when he's work-weary, and cork/dry erase boards to scribble notes-to-self on. Little secret about Nate: he loves a dry erase board. Asked for one for Christmas one year (like 3 years ago) he loves 'em so much.)

The giant clothespin is by far Henry's favorite part of the office spruce-up. I think it's pretty cool, too. The reading lamp and pillow cozy up this awesome chair we inherited from Nate's grandma. The painting is one I ordered from Crate & Barrel (clearance!) with the remains of our wedding credit. It's been in a plastic storage sleeve for seven years; it is really happy to have a stretch of wall space - at last!

So, there you have it. A room re-do that speaks more to functionality and order than knock-your-socks off design. But it also speaks to love. And to one girl's genuine adoration for her husband - and her desire for his space to be a tiny shadow of how neat and charming she thinks he is.

Letter from Maui

Dear Em,

I know my post for today was supposed to be some recipes, but I didn't get it written before getting on the plane, and now, it just doesn't feel timely or authentic.

I'd rather talk about where I am, what I'm doing, what I'm feeling RIGHT NOW.

I'd rather talk about how refreshing it is to be on an extended date with my husband. Lying on the beach, listening to the undulating tide, watching sand crabs, and talking about how many children we want to have. I'd rather write about the magic of swimming with sea turtles and kissing awkwardly with our snorkel masks on. I'd rather talk about walking along the beach at dusk, and looking back at our pair of footprints, and thinking of how lucky I am that those footprints will go on for eternity. Or how fun and teenager-ish it feels to have my darling grab my hand as we walk from car to hotel, from shop to shop, from the ocean to the pool...everywhere we go. (We haven't held hands this much since high school!)

And when I told this all to our dear friends who read Bloom, I would say--do it! I know everyone isn't so lucky to have a husband who happens to have business at the Grand Wailea or family who can watch their children for a whole week! But everyone can find a way to get away for a day or two. And it's amazing. It reminds you how much you love each other. It gives you opportunities to talk over dinner (instead of wiping up messes and negotiating with children about how many more bites they have to take!). It provides quiet, uninterupted moments for intimacy. After a few weeks of business trips and tons of work and barely seeing eachother, it has given me time to look at my husband and think--gosh, he is a handsome devil.

Of course, every small child we saw in the airport made us swoon, and seeing kids on the beach makes us dream of the day we can afford to bring the whole family on a trip like this. Over our curry dinner last night we talked mostly about our boys. They are never far from our thoughts. But, in the mean time, we are reveling in every breath of this trip. The plumeria trees, the breeze, the drinks by the pool, the laughter, and the (nearly) complete lack of stress or responsibility. And, even though we miss our children, we know we will return refreshed and refueled--full of patience and love and ready to be a better (and hopefully tanner) version of Mom and Dad.

I think everyone needs a getaway like this from time to time. Don't you? Anyway, that's what I'd rather write about today.

See you soon.

Love,

Anne

Keeping the sparks...

Anytime I give myself to pondering on life goals and ultimate desires -- good love always tops the list. There aren't many things I want more than I want to stay in love with my husband.

Things will never be like they were when we dated - that's a futile pursuit, in my opinion. We have bills. We have children. We have...real life.
But that's not to say that things can't still be sparkly. Even a little spicy!

Here's my best attempt at a list of flame-fanners, (but mostly I'm anxious to hear your suggestions in the comment thread):

Make Time:
A weekly date night is just a must. It doesn't have to be spendy. It doesn't even always have to be out. Dates in are good, too. There are lots of great ideas for fun and inexpensive date nights at Simply Modern Mom's Project 52. Go check it out and be inspired. It's hard to keep the distractions at bay when you're home, though. And there's just something refreshing and energizing about getting out. Get dressed up. Spritz a little perfume on the back of your neck. Wear your heels.

Touch:
When Nate and I dated, we could hardly keep our hands off each other. I'd still consider us a fairly affectionate couple, but even as such, with seven years of marriage behind us, we'll sometimes let a few days go by without any meaningful touch. I know we'll never go back to the flirtiness of our courtship, but I hope we never stop holding hands, winking across a crowded room, scooting in for a snuggle before we drift off to sleep, and smooching like we mean it.

Acts of kindness:
I think sometimes as women, we expect to be romanced without really taking the initiative to be romantic.

When was the last time you left a little note for your lover?
I like to stick one in Nate's lunch every once in a while.
Or on the bathroom mirror for him to find in the morning.

Leave a special treat in the fridge (his favorite salsa, favorite drink, etc.)

Or buy him a book. Remember the idea at How About Orange? Plant a little bookmark inside (not too far from the beginning) with an invitation to smooch. (Why do I think this is the cutest idea ever? Maybe because Nate loves books almost as much as he loves me.)

If you feel like your interests are drifting apart, create something common - find a hobby you can both enjoy. Read a book together. Partner up on a project.

Don't stop telling him he's handsome, that you're crazy for him, that you still can't believe you're the lucky one who gets to be his girl.

Alright. That's all I've got. Your turn...

Friday Forum: Making sure you've still got it

Anne:
It was a Monday, late afternoon. I had finally gotten a quick run in on the treadmill and had just finished bathing myself and my boys when my husband, Taylor, arrived home from work.

"Hey!" I greeted him. "I just need to throw on my leisure suit and then we've got to go. We're invited to my parents' house for dinner."

"I knew this was going to happen," Taylor said with a grin.

"What?"

"That leisure suit. I don't care how fancy a brand it is. They're still sweats."

I felt defensive for about two minutes, until I realized that he was totally right. I'd been wearing my sweatsuit a lot lately. Feeling sheepish, I slipped on my jeans before leaving the house.

Em:
A few weeks ago I was snuggling with my four year old. His head was tucked up under my chin and I said, "Henry, your hair smells so good! Did you put something in it?"
"Yea...I sprayed some of your perfume on my head, the kind with the silver lid."
"Mmmm, well you sure smell nice."
"Yea...let me smell your head and see what you smell like." (*He sniffs my forehead, then all around my face*)
"What do I smell like?" I asked.
"Well...just like regular skin...kinda stinky, actually."

I used to be a daily spritz of perfume gal. Three or four varieties to choose from. These days I'm barely a daily-shower gal. That's all changing though, friends. I'm going back to a daily douse - even if it's the same scent every day (at present the only fragrance I own is Hugo Deep Red). One little step on the path to make sure mama's still got it (Wink!)

You know you've been there. You look at your frazzled self in the mirror at 4:30 p.m.--hair in a messy bun, mysterious baby goo on your shirt, a bottle of Windex in hand--and wonder,
"what happened to me?!"

In this romantic time of year, we ask you--How do you make sure you've still got it?!

Letters to Each Other

Friends, we are so excited to have Amanda Stringham blooming with us today. When we heard the premise behind her romantic new blog, we asked if she would share it with all of you. We can't think of a better time of year to rekindle the expression of love and gratitude in a marriage!


When my hubby and I were first married, we lived in perpetual bliss! (As I assume most newlyweds do.) We loved being together and dreaded spending time apart, especially as we headed off to work each morning. I remember very early on, having to leave early one day, and not wanting to wake him, I left a little note on a Post-It on the steering wheel of his truck.

And so it began.

We started a note-writing love affair. You know, notes left on the kitchen counter, in a lunch box, on the white board or on the bathroom mirror. It was always such a pick-me-up to get a little love note written by my sweetie, and I found myself looking forward to coming home and discovering yet another scribble.

Then...

Somewhere between Mike running his business, our other part-time job, our church responsibilities, the (never-ending) housework, and our five children (and everything that comes along with them), we stopped being note writers.

It's so easy to lose yourself to all your responsibilities and have nothing left at the end of the day to give your spouse. It's so easy to forget how you once waited with baited breath for your deary to come walking through the door at the end of the day. It's so easy to give yourself so fully to your precious little children that your emotional reserves are all but depleted.

Just recently, I recognized that I was in one of these slumps, and quite frankly, had been for a while. I started thinking about all those notes that had meant so much to me before.

I loved those notes. I missed those notes.
I wanted those notes again.

That's when what I can only call pure inspiration came and I decided to start yet another blog. Yes, really. This one's entitled, Letters To Each Other, and that's exactly what it is. A blog completely privatized, just for Mike and I to leave notes to each other on. It's not a Post-It on the steering wheel , or an "I *heart* U" drawn on the fogged up bathroom mirror. It's better that that, because one day when Mike and I have passed on, our children will have a record of their mom & dad's love affair. What better legacy to leave to your children than for them to know the depth of love and gratitude their parents had for each other?

I can't think of anything sweeter.