Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Rethinking Motherhood by Bloom Guest Heather
You will love this. Many, many thanks to Heather for being willing to share it with us. May is off to a lovely start...
My name is Heather. I am an almost 30 year old mother of 3. Two here, and one in heaven. That feels weird to say. I love, love Bloom. I don't know if what I have to say about motherhood is very eloquent, or important, but I do know that I feel it. Deep in my bones. To the center of my soul, I feel it. Maybe I have a different perspective on it now.
For something I thought would come so easily and naturally to me, having children didn't. I got married at 22 and we decided we'd wait a year or two before having babies. I always wanted to be a Mom. I know that is why I am here. To fulfill my calling of motherhood. When we did start trying to bring a family here, it didn't happen at all like I thought. We tried for 2 1/2 years before we decided to give IVF a shot after much prayer, temple visits, anger, and tears. Neither of us had any medical explanation as to why we weren't getting pregnant. Looking back I feel like maybe we were supposed to struggle for this. Maybe that helped ME to be a better mother, to really appreciate it. I looked at getting pregnant and raising children kind of flippantly back then.
We found out we were finally pregnant and In Vitro had worked around Valentines day of 2007. We couldn't have been more grateful, excited and joyous at the arrival of our little boy that October. Life was wonderful. I was now a stay at home mom (I actually like to call that work at home mom) and things couldn't have been better. When our son was a year old I found out I was pregnant again. It floored us, we struggled so much and then BAM just like that - pregnant. We hadn't been trying. We were ecstatic, and I was very grateful. I felt strongly this baby was meant to come at that time. Two boys 21 months apart. How scared we were, but how excited we got when boy #2 finally made his arrival. In January of this year I found out I was pregnant again. Which shocked the socks off of us because we had been preventing. We thought we'd give it one more year. Our youngest was barely 18 months old. I remember when I went to take the test, which I was sure was negative, my husband told me he would be happy if it was positive. I cried. I was a little scared, and didn't feel ready. At 18 weeks we lost our little girl.
That was 2 1/2 weeks ago. It has rocked me to my core. Made me re-think what motherhood really means to me.
In the past, at times I had felt a little insignificant. As in, how is Heavenly Father aware of me and my daily struggles with tantrums, wiping noses, making dinner, potty training, trying to keep up with my home, playing with and teaching my children when there is so much worse going on out there? Does he really care about my little day to day dealings, frustrations, and joys like this? I am here to tell you yes. Yes. He does. I have never felt the power and significance of motherhood more than I have now. I felt it then, but I get it now. After the tragic experience of losing a baby we wanted like we need air to breathe, I feel and understand the reverence of Motherhood. What a sacred gift it is. To be entrusted with these spirits is awe-inspiring. It matters. It all matters. What we do MATTERS.
I have re-thought everything in how I am with my boys. I have quite the spirited little guys. But two of the sweetest I know also. Am I calm when they aren't behaving, do I try to understand what they might be feeling in that moment? Do I speak calmly and speak kindly to them when I feel like having a tantrum myself? Am I the example I really want to be to them? I'm surely trying. I'm trying day by day to be the best possible mother I can be for my children. Being there, showing up to support them, listening, serving, helping, loving them with everything I've got, so that they know, without a thread of doubt that they are the most important work I'll ever do.
I hope that every mother feels like the luckiest person in the world. The trenches of motherhood are deep, sometimes dark, and painful. But the joy we can experience far outweighs anything else. I am so blessed. Even in the thick of sorrow, I am blessed. There are angels all around us through this. Cheering us on, holding us, lifting us up. I pray for those who are waiting for a piece of heaven. I hope to hold one again soon.
The best moments we get in motherhood are like magic. I never knew that I would forever carry my heart outside of my body once I became a Mother. Or that love could run so deep and fill up every part of me. Every part. Or that I could be so fierce. I am a warrior mother for my babies. All I know is I'm giving it my all. And it's amazing.