Thursday, January 20, 2011

Dear Diary...We're down to the wire

Sometimes I feel really sad that I have all but forsaken my personal blog in my efforts to Bloom. Mostly because it is, for the most part, the only form of journaling I do, which means I haven't had much in the way of a journal for a while. For example, I have hardly written down anything about this 3rd pregnancy of mine. I haven't jotted down how much harder it has been physically. How the nausea came sooner, lasted longer, and came with more fervor this time. How my round ligament pain started early and has persisted all along the way. How this time I realized that I don't have to wake Taylor up at 2 a.m. to rub my cramping legs, I just have to get out of bed and walk a few laps around the downstairs until they subside. How a big bowling ball belly doesn't feel quite as charming and cute as the first two times around, but I've finally embraced it. How I finally understand why women give up wearing stilettos and opt for flats. And how I'll never say again: "What is up with pregnant women walking funny?" It's all been harder this time. But I always try to remember that I shouldn't complain. I've never been on bed rest or hospitalized. I don't even throw up, I just feel like it. So I'm pretty lucky, let's be honest.

But really, after journaling some of those thoughts, I'm not sure what else I would say. Life rolls swiftly along, and my job is to keep up with it--as gracefully as I can possibly manage. Thankfully I have more energy lately. It must be the nesting kicking in. I'm painting and decorating and organizing and de-junking with gusto. It feels really good. I want my nursery ready and my life organized and my family well-fed. I want my boys' lives to be exciting and full of learning and adventure. I want to perform all of my church and community jobs energetically and lovingly. I want to keep nesting and creating and serving and hosting until the moment I go into labor. I am doing my best, but don't get me wrong. It's not all chocolate cake and pink ribbons. Some days I'm still in my big, gray, elastic-ankled (more like elastic-Kankled) sweats when my husband gets home from work. Some days Blaine is 2 hours late to preschool. Some days I yell and then cry at my dear little children because they are making mischief and I'm not able (more like not willing) to control my response. And things are getting scratched off the to-do list left and right. Like making my own hospital gown. I guess I'll just have to have another set of newborn photos with me in an ugly gown with 'central laundry' stamped on the front. And the rainbow velour living room chair that I despise will have to remain rainbow velour a while longer because I just can't tackle a slipcover right now. I think I've finally learned to let go of things that don't really matter.What's really in the forefront of my 'preparing for baby' mind frame is my children. Are they ready for this? Most of the time they are happy, wrestling, snuggling, donut-munching, imagining, carefree little boys. But there are struggles. Blaine got his claws out this morning and hit me in the eye. I cried heartily. Partly because it hurt pretty bad but mostly because I wish I knew how to help him put his claws away permanently. And Rog is probably upstairs peeing in his Thomas the Train undies as I write this. Sometimes in the midst of all the chaos I look at Taylor and dramatically exclaim, "We are about to add another one! What are we thinking?!"

Thankfully, Taylor and I have never been more in love. He makes me feel like I matter and that I'm succeeding at my job. He helps me paint walls that he thinks don't need painting. He thanks me for the things I do for him. He makes me feel beautiful. And he is the best teammate imaginable. So that makes me feel stronger. When he holds me as I sob about Blaine's claws, I know I am not running this marathon alone.And, throughout all of this, my little babe nudges me from inside. Nudge, nudge he says. And I tap back and give him a little rub. It seems that as my belly grows, so does my love for him, so does my capacity to do all of this.

He's almost here. And I think we'll be ready.


liz said...

Well I'm glad you gave up on the homemade hospital gown! That idea is right up there with putting your own labels on water bottles. Sorry -- was that snarky?

Love you. Enjoy your nesting -- wish I could come paint a wall.

Kelly said...

Try drinking coconut water for the leg cramps. My prenatal yoga teacher suggested it and it worked like magic!

brittani c. said...

Anne, knowing you, you'll be up and at it in no time because compared to the rest of us, your multi-tasking is extraordinary. There are worse things in life than neglecting blogs and unfinished slipcovers. Rest up and enjoy!

Astyn said...

I don't know you personally, but this is a beautiful post. And your capacity to succeed does increase with each new challenge. Forget the stuff, and focus on the people...I am always the happiest when I do that.

And have confidence in yourself. You can do it. I wish I'd had that phrase posted 10 places in my home after my twins were born.

Vicky said...

Thankyou. I thought I was the only one who felt like my pregnancy was being more taxing than previous ones, even though like you I have still had it pretty easy. The moment of "what am I doing?" happen daily, but I must have had a reaon for embarking on this crazy path... hopefully I'll remember what it was before the baby is born!

families are forever said...

You are so Beautiful!!!!!

jeanine said...

Oh Anne! I feel I could have written this post myself! I totally relate!

ps. Three boys = chaos but fun ;)

Deanna said...

Why don't you buy a birthing gown? (aka robe) They can't make you wear the ugly hospital gowns. I have worn my own purchased beautiful birthing gown with both my children. Write it in your birth plan that you plan on wearing your own gown. Hopefully you get a nice nurse that understands. But, even then they can't MAKE you wear it. Enjoy your birth :)

Olivia said...

I hear you on many things in this post! You are so right about "letting go of things that don't really matter". Once you realize that, everything else in life gets easier.

Best wishes to you and your soon-to-be-born new addition to the family!

Melissa said...

Thank you for being human. :) Sometimes on these beautiful blogs we can naively think that life is perfect for others. It's good to know that you don't have the energy for a slipcover, not that I would wish that fatigue on anyone. It's just that I feel like that many times and it come with guilt that I should be doing more.

I had round ligament issues, and quite frankly, the fact that you can function without crying every day is a true accomplishment! That hurts! We don't know each other, but I feel for you and wish you well as you welcome your third little one. You will figure everything out. You are aware of your children and your husband and you ponder how to make things better for them. They are very lucky to have you.

Rachael said...

First of all, Anne, this was a beautifully written post. It truly touched me.

Secondly, a couple of other pieces of advice on the aches and pains (to add to what people have already suggested):

1) bananas for the leg cramps (per my yoga teacher)
2) prenatal yoga, period. It has helped me SO much in my fourth pregnancy
3) have you considered a support belt? I know you were running early on in your pregnancy; if you're still exercising, it's made a HUGE difference for me in round ligament pain to wear a support belt when I run. huge, huge, huge, huge--and I actually had surgery during my last pregnancy for a herniated round ligament, so this is a big deal for me to be pain-free there.

Hope these last couple of weeks go smoothly for you!

Joan said...

I cried when I read what you wrote about Tay. It makes me SO happy to know you two have each other...two of my very favorite friends in the world! Gosh, you've got lucky boys :)
I love you, dear.

Valerie said...

Hang in there, you are almost done and will have a beautiful baby in your arms. The third has also been my hardest and I was so miserable (sorry to complain), but I honestly felt like death and so horrible. Now that she is here, of course I would do it all again in a heart beat, but it's still so hard. good luck, and thanks for making BLOOM a great place to stop by :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. I am pregnant also, but with my first. And yet, I can relate so much to what you wrote. Sometimes, it is nice not to feel alone in all of this.


Kimberly said...

Thank you for sharing! I love when people are honest about what it's really like. I'm pregnant with my first and nearly every day I ask my husband 'what were we thinking?' I like you am incredibly lucky, healthy pregnancy, great husband, but there are still struggles and challenges.