Mother's Day 2010About ten days ago I found myself in my crazy place. I was in my car, driving and crying. It had been a wild couple of weeks. Hectic. Frenetic. I felt scattered. Blaine was out of control. And, frankly, so was I. There had been a lot of fights. A lot of yelling, I am ashamed to admit. Which is sad and weird both, because I am not a yeller, and normally avoid confrontation. But Blaine knows all the right buttons to push. And so this night, in my crazy place, I was convinced I couldn't be his mom anymore. It was just too hard.
A day or two earlier I had expressed some of these frustrations to Em on the phone. She asked me, "Is there something you can give up right now to help eliminate some of the stress in your life?" And, honest to blog, I said to her, "No." And I really thought that. "I mean, Emily," I went on, "I have hardly exercised this week and I haven't read any blogs and I'm just doing the stuff that really matters, the stuff I need to do." She didn't push the issue. But her question got me thinking.
I thought about her post on balance. I thought about times and seasons. I've written before about sacrifice in motherhood. How I don't think you should be a martyr, but some sacrifice is certainly required. I thought about all the stuff on my must-do list that was making me feel so hectic. I thought about the stress level in our home and wondered if it was me causing the bad behavior in Blaine. Blaine is highly spirited and intelligent. He needs stimulation and interaction and attention (what child doesn't, right?!). He wasn't getting enough of those things.
That night, after drying my crazy-mother-with-out-of-control-emotion tears, a voice whispered to me, "This isn't about him. This is about you. Do your stuff on your own time. When your kids are awake, they need you."
And suddenly it felt so clear. I was trying too hard to do too much. I didn't need to be sewing a summer skirt and have plans to sew a new handbag. I didn't need to send all handmade baby presents to my new-mother friends. I am always a champion for mothers finding their own creative outlets, but we don't need so many creative ventures that our children take the backseat to our sewing machines or glue guns. Who cares how darling my house is? Do I care more about decorating my mantle or helping my sons develop character?
No, it's not all about self-sacrifice all the time. But for me, this is a season to be on the floor, playing and reading with my children. Teaching them their letters and memorizing songs with them. Going to 'Fantasia' (Blaine's imaginary world) with them and eating the pretend jell-o they make out of Legos. Obviously there are chores to be done during the day and no mother achieves perfect balance daily. But I can do better. And if I can squeeze in a craft when they're in bed, then that'll just be gravy.
Now I just want to point out that the Bloom community has a deep impact on the way I am living my life. It was Emily's post and conversation that really got me thinking. It was Abbie's brave post about training herself not to be a yelling mother that helped me confront my own temper with Blaine. Following her lead, I am now paying myself for the days I am in control and fining myself for the days I'm not. So far I have $17 toward a new camera and haven't had to fine myself yet. Thanks to Lindy teaching me that Blaine is a 'spirited child,' I have started reading Raising Your Spirited Child and am really excited about the tools it's going to give me as I parent Blaine. See? The Bloom community is powerful. And I love you for it.
Another thing that was whispered to me that night was this: "Pray for love." Never in my life would I have dreamed I would have to pray to increase my capacity to love my own child. But I needed to. And those prayers are being answered. Honestly, less than two weeks later, I feel like a new woman. I feel calm and full of love. Instead of becoming enraged by Blaine's outbursts, I feel compassion for him. I feel how emotional and sensitive he is and want so badly to fight for him instead of against him.
I have a whole lifetime to cute up my house and learn how to sew. But I only get one shot at raising kind, grateful, loving boys. I better get it right.
A day or two earlier I had expressed some of these frustrations to Em on the phone. She asked me, "Is there something you can give up right now to help eliminate some of the stress in your life?" And, honest to blog, I said to her, "No." And I really thought that. "I mean, Emily," I went on, "I have hardly exercised this week and I haven't read any blogs and I'm just doing the stuff that really matters, the stuff I need to do." She didn't push the issue. But her question got me thinking.
I thought about her post on balance. I thought about times and seasons. I've written before about sacrifice in motherhood. How I don't think you should be a martyr, but some sacrifice is certainly required. I thought about all the stuff on my must-do list that was making me feel so hectic. I thought about the stress level in our home and wondered if it was me causing the bad behavior in Blaine. Blaine is highly spirited and intelligent. He needs stimulation and interaction and attention (what child doesn't, right?!). He wasn't getting enough of those things.
That night, after drying my crazy-mother-with-out-of-control-emotion tears, a voice whispered to me, "This isn't about him. This is about you. Do your stuff on your own time. When your kids are awake, they need you."
And suddenly it felt so clear. I was trying too hard to do too much. I didn't need to be sewing a summer skirt and have plans to sew a new handbag. I didn't need to send all handmade baby presents to my new-mother friends. I am always a champion for mothers finding their own creative outlets, but we don't need so many creative ventures that our children take the backseat to our sewing machines or glue guns. Who cares how darling my house is? Do I care more about decorating my mantle or helping my sons develop character?
No, it's not all about self-sacrifice all the time. But for me, this is a season to be on the floor, playing and reading with my children. Teaching them their letters and memorizing songs with them. Going to 'Fantasia' (Blaine's imaginary world) with them and eating the pretend jell-o they make out of Legos. Obviously there are chores to be done during the day and no mother achieves perfect balance daily. But I can do better. And if I can squeeze in a craft when they're in bed, then that'll just be gravy.
Now I just want to point out that the Bloom community has a deep impact on the way I am living my life. It was Emily's post and conversation that really got me thinking. It was Abbie's brave post about training herself not to be a yelling mother that helped me confront my own temper with Blaine. Following her lead, I am now paying myself for the days I am in control and fining myself for the days I'm not. So far I have $17 toward a new camera and haven't had to fine myself yet. Thanks to Lindy teaching me that Blaine is a 'spirited child,' I have started reading Raising Your Spirited Child and am really excited about the tools it's going to give me as I parent Blaine. See? The Bloom community is powerful. And I love you for it.
Another thing that was whispered to me that night was this: "Pray for love." Never in my life would I have dreamed I would have to pray to increase my capacity to love my own child. But I needed to. And those prayers are being answered. Honestly, less than two weeks later, I feel like a new woman. I feel calm and full of love. Instead of becoming enraged by Blaine's outbursts, I feel compassion for him. I feel how emotional and sensitive he is and want so badly to fight for him instead of against him.
I have a whole lifetime to cute up my house and learn how to sew. But I only get one shot at raising kind, grateful, loving boys. I better get it right.
24 comments:
An inspiring post. I think as mothers we do put to much pressure on ourselves to make everything "perfect" and beat ourselves up when it's not. Truth is none of us have time to do everything we want to and we just have to accept that and make sure we do the things that count. x.
Thank you for that. I needed to hear it.
Thank you for your post. I was in tears this morning feeling like I just don't have it in me to parent my three year old anymore. It's comforting to hear that others struggle as well and perhaps my little guy is "spirited" too. I think I will look into that book. Anyway, thanks for the motivation and perspective. Time to get off the computer and on to the floor.
Well said, dear. Thank you for candidly sharing your hurt and your heart. Can't wait to see you in a few days :)
This was beautifully written. and it sounds like you've had some profound learning. Yay! I have been where you are, and I remember thinking, "Would I ever have put a movie on for my 1st graders so I could get some stuff done in my classroom?" No way. When my students were with me, we were learning. Yet, when I was a new mom, I would try to get gobs done and become frustrated because I knew something wasn't right. Fortunately for me, and for you, we learned that when our kids were around, we needed to be there for them. We do only get one chance! Now that mine are in elementary school, I try to get everything done while they're in school so that I am 100% present when they are home. If I am every finishing a project while they are walking in the door, I am so fragmented and they don't get my best, especially my "spirited" one. There are just so many good things to do, but the Lord has given us all these choices on purpose so that we can learn how to choose and prioritize. That process is growth-promoting! Oh, and I pray about my motherhood daily--whether it be for wisdom, knowledge, or a little extra love and awareness. We can't do this alone! :D
Anne, oh Anne, I love everything about this post. Your honesty, your testimony, your car tears (the car is a great place to cry), your spirited son (oh, the joys of raising an emotional, spirited, high-maintenance child. Eli, I love you).
I think I'm starting to realize something - it's really settling in this last month. We (mothers) are so much alike. Instead of saying "oh, I'm not the only one?" I say "yes! me too, and all my friends!" We struggle with similar things. I love when we can be honest about it and help our momma-sistas out, and be surrounded by love instead of judgment.
Thank you for your honesty. You rock! And I wish we were neighbors in real life.
'Tis the season of my life as well. This post spoke to me . . . now I just need to stop being stubborn and listen. Because I really don't want my sons to remember as the mean yelling mom. Super bat crazy I can handle, but not mean.
Thanks for sharing!
I can't tell you how much this post means to me. Spoke right to my heart. Thank you so much for helping me realize the exact thing I need to do with my "spirited" one.
This was wonderful. Thank you again!
Loved this post Anne! The last month I've wondered if I can parent Charlie because we are driving each other batty! He is my spirited child for sure. I watch the neighbor boys that are his age and he's just different. More wild and free and crazy and disobedient. I know we've talked about this. Glad to know I'm not the only mama that feels this way!
Great stuff, Anne. Thanks for sharing.
You are absolutely not alone at all! I brok down into tears once to a friend who happens to be a councelor with LDS family services about this very subject and he assured me that I wasn't a horrible mother or alone. He also told me about a great article, that I can't for the life of me remember what was called, but the advice was to verbalize out loud every single day why you love the person that your struggling with and what special qualities you like about them. After time, you won't need to remind yourself to do it anymore and you really will increase in love for that person.
He told me this at a time when I was really struggling feeling love towards one of my children, and it really helped turn around our relationship.
Thank you for this. I really needed a reminder about what is most important.
wow, exactly what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it, and I don't even know you. I struggle with the same issues and I've been slowly coming to the same conclusions you voiced in this post. Thank you so very much for sharing. Thank you, thank you. I'm new to bloom, but have quickly fallen in love!
thank you for sharing. you always have such insightful things to say that are always the right things i need to hear. it's always nice to hear i'm not the only one....
Wow. I can relate to so much of what you've said! I agree; it's so easy to get caught up in our own projects that we forget how much our kids need us- all of us. And that sometimes their bad behavior is a reflection of our lack of mothering like we should. Thanks for reminding me of that.
thankyou so much for the post. I am writing this with my fifth son feeding on my lap and I have been in a place very much like you describe.
You speak wise words here and I will make some changes.
thankyou for the honesty.
I think this is a constant balancing act that continually forces us to seek for the Spirit to help us prioritize the essential things. I had my 6th child 18 months ago and was forced to put aside my hobbies and projects for awhile. A few months ago I reached a point where I needed a creative outlet again--something I could look to at the end of the day as an accomplishment amidst all of the things I do each day that never stay done (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) Problem is, I got too enthusiastic and started too many projects which led to me feeling frustrated and irritable when real life gets in the way of my plans. I'm working on applying what I heard Julie Beck say at Women's Conference: "When I do the essential things each day, I'm amazed at how many of the 'nice to do' things I can find time for." Good luck to all of us as we daily strive for this delicate balance!
I'm also here to say thanks for writing this post. It's a very difficult season of life for me as well. I've got a spirited almost 3 year old son (extra energy, intensity, perceptiveness, and persistence). I've come to accept that he's just got "more" of those qualities. I've read all the books, applied many of the parenting strategies. We've had our rough days, but I also found moments to revel in my son's amazing zest for life. But due to some health issues (he has trouble eating enough, severely underweight), he's now taking a supplement that has changed him from "spirited" to "unmanageable." We're working with his doctors to figure out a better solution, but in the meantime it's made for some dark days around here. I've been praying for patience and love LOTS lately. And like you, I'm slowly accepting that right now there may be quite a few days where I don't get any of MY to do list (or wish list) done because it will take 3 hours of cuddling in bed to soothe the tantrums that never end. Or because we'll be outside for hours and hours running off all of that excess energy. But if that's what my little guy really needs right now, then that's what I'll give him. My to do list can wait. Thanks again for your post!
When my 2nd was born I found myself really disliking my oldest. I just wanted to cuddle and soak up my newborn and she was destroying the house. I had to pray and fast to love her, which I thought was ridiculous too. 'I shouldn't have to pray to love my own daughter!' Good to know I'm not alone. Those prayers and fasts have been answered one day at a time. Thanks for sharing!
I have been out of town and just finished catching up on Bloom posts. I really love this blog. Thank you for sharing these very personal feelings. I should probably go back and read this post once a month, it will remind me of things I have already learned but still struggle to be consistent in.
Thank you.
always inspiring!
I'm a late-commer to your wonderful blog. You may even call me a "Late Bloomer". Anyway, I loved your post (and so many before and after!) and your honesty. I have a one year old who is heaven sent and just found out we're expecting twins. Which means, I'm expecting to lose my sanity in roughly 5.2 months. Anyway, my first thought was "Suppernanny" and then I turned to the church. We really do have so many resources at our fingertips and I include you and the work you all do as one of those valuable tools.
I taught school for many years before I had my kids. I struggled daily with (let's just say) "spirited children". I taught mostly resource children and GATE (gifted and talented) in the SAME classroom.
Needless to say, I struggled a lot with behavior, motivation and respect. Something I found very helpful were the books (on parenting and teaching) called, "Love and Logic". I originally went to a conference put on by the authors in Utah and have loved it ever since. I just bought the "Parenting with Love and Logic" and already it is synonymous with many of the things you have said here. Check it out. It never hurts to have more ammunition in your "Mothering Back Pocket". Thanks again!
Wow! I really needed to hear that today. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who goes through these things. Thanks!!
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