Thursday, September 24, 2009

Motherhood Evolving

A lot of what we plan to feature here on Bloom will be fun, cute, practical, educational. But we also hope to have a regular "column" where we (you, too!) can put some of our deeper thoughts into words - where we can share some of the more introspective bits of ourselves. If you have something you've written or an idea for this kind of post, let us know; we'd love to share your insights. And, by way of disclaimer, as some of you might recognize the post below, we totally believe in recycling :)


We have our first T-ball practice in T minus three hours. I don't think it would be hyperbole to say I'm having a small anxiety attack about it; I know what this is the beginning of. The online registration quickened my pulse; my breathing labored as I entered my payment information. I know. It will be so fun for Henry (he's been asking about the five thirty hour ALL. DAY. LONG.) He's napping with his mitt as I type this.

I'm just apprehensive about the phase of life this represents. And, harder to swallow, the one that has to end with this new beginning.

I'm not sure I can describe the way I've savored the life with little children. Awakened every morning by none other than our own circadian rhythms. (Nate's is the only body that even stirs at the sound of an alarm.) Shuffling sleepily in our pajamas as long as we like. The most pressing issues being choices between breakfast options; yogurt and fruit or oatmeal and toast? Deciding together, often in a tub of soapy water, on the plan de jour. Coming and going mostly as we please. Meeting friends at the park, and staying for almost three lazy hours. Because the children are busy, happily tiring themselves on stick-hunts and forest-explorations. Because the breeze keeps coming. And so does the conversation. And the only thing waiting at home is the day's clutter and a sinkful of dishes to be done before dinner is started. Home for quiet time. The four o'clock bewitching hour (that lasts 'til daddy comes home) at which point we've exhausted our cheer, our plans and our creativity. It's survival mode 'til the hum of the garage door announces that back-up has arrived. Then dinner. Rough play with dad, maybe some yard work. A family walk if we fancy. And bedtime (early if the patience has expired, later if not). No distinction between school nights and weekends, only the query as to whether or not daddy gets to stay home in the morning. The timetables have been self-imposed. Appointments made to harmonize with the rhythm of our days. Plans kept to a minimum. Spontaneity reigning.

And perhaps I'm giving way to a bit of senseless drama, but I feel like that's all beginning to end. With T-ball. Our first scheduled commitment (that's happening more than once - eight weeks! Committed to it with our Mastercard.)

It will end. Summer will come. And then there's fall -- with community classes on the horizon, more of schedules, more of commitments. And kindergarten waits in the wings, its shadow getting bigger every week. Ack. (Exhale).

I've never been good at change, especially the anticipation of it. Especially when I've loved the status quo the way I've loved the past four years. I just have to let myself mourn the end of this chapter for a bit...for about three more hours.

Then it's Root! Root! Root! for the home team, I guess. I've never been one to hoop-n-holler, but I'm sure I'll surprise myself when my little man is up to bat.

Run, Henry! Run!

You're doing just what you're supposed to. And I'm right behind you, trying to keep up, trying to loosen my white-knuckle grip on your little-boy-hood. Adjusting my helmet, taking a practice swing (and a few deep breaths), and stepping up to the plate of this new stage of motherhood.

-- Emily


danielle said...

I loved it the first time...and I loved it again. I totally relate. I love this time now where its just me and Avery going wherever the day takes us. How lucky we are to have/have had that!

jeanine said...

You've penned my feelings much more beautifully then I ever could have. Our days of freedom have been over for a month now with the start of Pre-K. I miss the days where we woke up at our leisure and had no set-in-stone schedule. But this phase is nice too. It's amazing the growth I've seen in William in just a few short weeks of school!

Rachael said...

love seeing this again. and like you, i'm wistful for those unscheduled days...I was actually thinking that the next time we have a day where we're all at home together with nothing on the schedule, I want to throw a little party for my girls. just because.

Joan said...

I echo your sentiments exactly, Em. Jimmie started preschool this year and I have discovered that I get super stressed out with time lines. We have to be to school by 9:30 which means we have to leave no later than 9:17 or we'll be late! The kids sense my urgency and watch me running around gathering the backpack, drinks, last minute snacks, etc. Some days I enjoy the regimen while others I crave the lazy, lax mornings.

Vicky said...

You've made me want to feel more grateful for the unscheduled days, rather than guilty like I do 95% of the time. My little boy turns three tomorrow and I'm already feeling like his little boy-hood is slipping away. Thanks for the perspective.

sarah hyde said...

i love it. i know it exactly what you mean.